Gray/Red

I am feeling the weight of winter upon me lately, as the days are so gray.  The only color is the flash of blue at my birdfeeder and red from the cardinals.  It is chilly and rainy, and I am somewhat trapped indoors as I recuperate from my knee surgery a few weeks ago.  I am trying to be patient and to fight being crabby, but I admit it is difficult. I can now understand how persistent pain can affect a person’s outlook. But I am trying.  I do my exercises several times a day and walk around the house.  I am determined to be more normal and start doing housework and regular things.  There are bright and glowing bits to this time.  My husband is so dear to me and always tries to improve my mood, and my sweet golden retriever is always ready to cuddle me; and my central focus of happiness these days is the messages and calls from my son Ben.

For so many years I have loved him but with strings of angst attached, always waiting for the inevitable bad news, always half listening for the veil to drop, for my heart to be broken once again by his return to his life of drugs.  I find it so interesting that I can finally feel true hope for him.  I find comfort in the fact that he is in a Christian rehab and is taking the classes seriously.  He is eating healthfully, working out and he sends me cheerful texts daily.  He shows empathy and concern, he is making plans to stay at the rehab and take leadership classes, he is my smart and curious son again.  He asks me for recipes – so normal!  He loves to send videos of things he finds interesting – historical, archeological, spiritual.  Yesterday all of his input sparked me to search interesting things in the timeline of history, and this entertained me most of the afternoon while Ken was at work.

Once that mental energy started, I woke up today desiring to do more.  I began gathering books to take to fill the three Little Free Libraries that I am responsible for – the one at my church and two in the next town.  The two other libraries are for mostly children’s books, and the drive out to these is about 30 minutes.  I have not yet driven, but I can since I am not taking narcotic medication, so that is next on my list. Baby steps.

I am planning on baking some yeast bread this afternoon to go with our leftovers for supper – something yummy to lift the mundane of the same thing.  It is an activity I love – utterly domestic, the wonderful smell of bread baking is an elemental pleasure. The simple pleasures of a grateful mom.  My spirits soar and my energies lift.

https://youtu.be/HjOioWTVAl4

“Doing those deeply unfashionable things—slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting—is a radical act now, but it is essential. This is a crossroads we all know, a moment when you need to shed a skin. If you do, you’ll expose all those painful nerve endings and feel so raw that you’ll need to take care of yourself for a while. If you don’t, then that skin will harden around you.”

Katherine May – Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, 2020.