Acceptance and Gratitude

A Peace that Transcends Understanding

There was a point during my grief journey that I experienced a sense of calm about my loss of my son, a sort of sad acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that I forget Jon. I still mourn the future of which he was robbed, the future where he overcomes his struggles and marries his soul mate. I still miss his texts, his quirkiness, his lusty appreciation for food, his descriptions of his running escapades, his bristly hair when I would rub his head. Writing these things still brings tears to my eyes. Losing a child at any age is horribly wrenching. God had held my heart and led me to greater understanding of His word and comforted me with a community of faithful friends. The wonderful pastor Tim Keller profoundly said “Suffering can make you lonelier or drive you deeper into community. Let it be the latter.”

The road I have traveled with my son Ben has been longer and more fraught with angst, guilt and terror, creating a kind of years-long PTSD, as any parent of an addict will confirm. There is no sense of acceptance, or calm or peace. What remains is a kind of guarded loving him from a distance. This is where I am now after his horrific relapse in July after 8 incredible, beautiful months of sobriety.

The Black Hammer

Ben had never been drug-free for so long since he was 16 years old. We built a strong, loving relationship over those joyous 8 months, culminating in his finally being welcomed to spend weekends in our house which had been impossible for a very long time due to the chaos of the past. He was fully invested in his relationship to God, his fitness to the point where he became an ultra-healthy vegetarian and work-out champ, and his sober living. He said sincerely that he would never lose his connection to God or let another substance past his lips and I fully believed in him. It has been a long reconning for me after his fall.

Trust is a difficult thing to build when there has been such a long roller coaster of drug abuse by someone you are in a relationship with. If he could relapse so spectacularly after reforming family bonds, then how can trust ever truly be earned again?

Ben went on a calamitous binge almost directly after spending the weekend with my husband and I for his birthday. The active use landed him in the hospital for 3 or 4 weeks on dialysis, with a possible prognosis of months if not a lifetime of dialysis. Ken and I found him in a precarious state when we went up to Blue Ridge to take him to rehab. He was released from the hospital and went to live with his old girlfriend. Shortly after, he visited the nephrologist and was told that there was no further kidney damage. He had been saved again.

Compassion

He is now working again after rebuilding some of his strength and is being drug-tested weekly by his probation officer. I am grateful for the compassion of that po. I have gratitude that Ben lived. He seems to be regaining some of his spirituality along with his health.

I have gratitude for the community of faithful friends and family who have lifted prayers for Ben and I over this time period. I know that Jesus listened and saved Ben’s life. I know that opening my heart to these wonderful people has lifted me. I know I have been saved as well. My gratitude for my husband Ken knows no bounds. He is my rock.

Learning is one way forward. I benefit from my readings, my study group, and my Pastor Glenn Hannigan. He ended his sermon a few weeks ago with this admonition.

Five things to do to grow your faith:

Pray for somebody who you really don’t like or love. Pray a blessing on them.
Share a kind word or encouragement with somebody.
Ask people what their prayer concerns are, and actually follow up with prayer.
Listen to God telling you where you are falling short…pray over Psalms 139: 23-24. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive ay in me and lead me in the way everlasting.
Add a spiritual discipline to your life, that the Lord will speak to you through that.